Category: Joke Board
Hey, friends! What's up? Gettin' ready for the holidays? Well, here are ten tips that you absolutely must live by. See for yourself. I have no doubt you'll
agree.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they’re serving rumballs!
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find
it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic
or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's the holidays!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an
automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello!?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time
for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't
budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never
gonna see them again!
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? Oh, hey, and don’t forget the slice of pecan pie! That’s a must, yeh hear?
8. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost! I mean, c’mon already! Have some
standards!
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips carefully;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Ps. Remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what
a ride!"
happy Holidays!
Hahahahaha! Very nice. I should send that one to an X-teacher of mine from high school. wonder how she'd take it. lol
Yeah. I get the greatest stuff in e-mails! My friend sent this to me and I just had to post it!
Hey, my kind of list.
Most of these, though, go without stating. I think they are hard wired into our jeans (I mean genes.)
Very good, despite the fact they are in the form of a list. Is there some sort of formula (list equals wisdom)?
Bob
No. I just find that a list is easier to read and handel with jaws.
Ash, that's cute!
lol. I've seen that before. thanks for sharing.
That's how I live my life, all the way! I don't care what others think. I eat what and when I like though this is going a bit overboard... lol
Lol nice very nice.